How to Help Someone with Anxiety: What to Say and What Not to Say

When someone you love is having a panic attack, can't get into an elevator or spends the night struggling with worries, not knowing what to say is very common. Even some well-meant phrases can unintentionally increase anxiety. In this article we explain, with concrete examples, how you can support someone with anxiety and what to say and not to say.

How should you approach someone with anxiety?

When approaching someone with anxiety, the goal isn't to solve their anxiety for them but to stand beside them calmly and without judgment. The core principles are:

• Listen: Try to understand what they're going through instead of immediately offering solutions.
• Acknowledge their feelings: Even if their fear seems irrational to you, remember it's real and hard for them.
• Stay calm: Your calm can act as an anchor for their nervous system too.
• Ask what they need: "How can I help you right now?" is often the best place to start.

What should you say to someone with anxiety, and what shouldn't you say?

How do you help someone having a panic attack?

If you're with someone having a panic attack:

1. Speak in a calm, gentle voice; use short sentences.
2. Say: "This looks like a panic attack. It's frightening, but it will pass. I'm here."
3. Breathe slowly together: in for 4 seconds, out for 6. You lead, and they follow.
4. You can ask them to name a few objects around them (the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique).
5. Move away from crowds, don't crowd them, give them space.
6. Once the attack passes, ask without judgment: "How are you feeling now?"

If they're experiencing chest pain for the first time, if the symptoms are different or if you're unsure, don't hesitate to call your local emergency number. For more on panic attacks, see our article what is a panic attack.

Is it possible to feed anxiety without realizing it while helping?

Yes. In psychology this is called accommodation: taking on a loved one's avoidance and safety behaviors to make them feel better. For example:

• Always making phone calls, going shopping or driving for them
• Reassuring them again and again that "nothing will happen" in answer to the same question
• Removing every anxiety-provoking situation from plans entirely

These bring relief in the short term but in the long term can strengthen the belief "I can't do this". What helps more is acknowledging the anxiety and planning small steps together: "This time you make the call, and I'll be right next to you." This approach fits the logic of gradual exposure.

How can I suggest they get professional help?

If anxiety has gone on for a long time and restricts their life, suggesting professional help is a sign of love. When you do:

• Choose a calm, suitable time, not a moment of crisis.
• Share your observation without judgment: "I've noticed it's been really hard for you to go out these past few months."
• Emphasize that getting help takes strength: "Talking to a professional means you don't have to deal with this alone."
• Offer practical help, such as researching a professional or going to the first appointment together.

How should you look after yourself while supporting someone?

Constantly supporting someone can be exhausting. Knowing your own limits, making time to rest and, when needed, having someone you can talk to yourself will make you a better support in the long run. If you feel burned out, you can also get support from a professional.

When is emergency help needed?

If the person you love talks about harming themselves or ending their life, take it seriously, don't leave them alone, and call your local emergency number or go to the nearest emergency department without delay.

In short

• The foundation of supporting someone with anxiety is listening, acknowledging their feelings and staying calm.
• Instead of "Calm down" and "You're overreacting", saying "I can see this is hard for you; I'm here" works much better.
• Encouraging small steps instead of doing everything for them, and suggesting professional help when needed, is the most helpful approach in the long run.

Sources

• NHS Every Mind Matters – Helping others
• NHS Every Mind Matters – Anxiety
• NIMH – Anxiety Disorders